It's time for another NFL Mockery Draft
For the third consecutive year, The Morning After opens the Green Room to everyone.
The NFL Draft happens Thursday night, in Lambeau Field. The Packers’ stadium is actually too small to contain the hordes that show up for this incredibly fan-unfriendly event, but you could probably slap the NFL shield on a petunia-growing contest and have crowd-control problems.
You can’t argue with success, but The Morning After staff continues to feel that the draft would be much more interesting if all human beings and cartoon characters were deemed eligible..
The following is our humble attempt to advance that theory. Being alive is preferred but not necessary.
TENNESSEE: Jelly Roll has asked Tennessee governor Bill Lee to pardon him for criminal acts in his youth. But the Titans have also asked Lee to issue a pre-emptive pardon for taking Cam Ward with the first pick. They need someone to have mercy. The pick: Wynonna Judd.
CLEVELAND: Myles Garrett committed to the Browns through 2028. He needs a teammate that has the same kind of blind faith. The pick: T.D. Jakes.
N.Y. GIANTS: They have a $8.7 million deficit in what the NFL calls “effective cap space” and they went 3-14 last year with one win at home. It appears they could use someone with a background of financial success. The pick: Xi Jinping.
NEW ENGLAND: Jonathan Kraft, president of the Patriots and son of owner Bob, is running for mayor of Boston. If he wins, the Patriots will need a politician who has nothing else to do. The pick: Mitt Romney.
JACKSONVILLE: Trevor Lawrence must feel like he’s been hit by several trucks, bulldozers and motorboats in the past two years with the Jaguars. With no protection on the horizon, he should turn to the local lawyer in charge of the biggest personal injury firm in the country. The pick: John Morgan.
LAS VEGAS: Pete Carroll has brought in Geno Smith to play quarterback, but he’ll need some magic to put together his type of defense. The pick: Criss Angel.
NY JETS: Life after Aaron Rodgers can be difficult. The Jets brought in Justin Fields to ease the drama and the trauma, but they might want to find someone who has coped before. The pick: Olivia Munn.
CAROLINA: The most exciting thing that’s happened in the Panthers’ stadium recently is the postgame ritual of the Dukes Mayo Bowl, in which the winning coach is slathered with mayonnaise. Since they’re not ready to win yet, perhaps the Panthers can supply some lunch meat.. The pick: Oscar Mayer.
NEW ORLEANS: With FEMA’s existence in question, the Saints are worried about not only their QB situation but the rising waters of the Gulf of Mexico. The pick: Michael Phelps.
CHICAGO: The Bears got to a Super Bowl with Rex Grossman quarterbacking and to an NFC Championship Game with Jay Cutler. Now they have Caleb Williams and they let him get sacked 68 times as a rookie. The pick: Alfred Fielding, one of the inventors of bubble wrap.
SAN FRANCISCO: Whatever happened to Deebo Samuel, Dre Greenlaw, Talanoa Hufanga and Leonard Floyd? The detective who finds them might straighten out the Niners. The pick: Nash Bridges.
DALLAS: The Cowboys have drafted conventionally in recent years, to no avail. Maybe they should shake up the landscape, by dealing Micah Parsons, CeeDee Lamb and Brandon Aubrey to the Rams for two third-round picks in 2033 and the rights to Aaron Donald. There’s only one man with the imagination to pull that off. The pick: Nico Harrison.
MIAMI: The Dolphins can’t seem to break through, even though they have some of the fastest playmakers in the league. Maybe if they wore white boots they’d look even faster. The pick: Gov. Ron DeSantis.
INDIANAPOLIS: The Colts drafted quarterback Anthony Richardson without knowing if he could hit a bull elk with a football from 10 yards. There’s someone who could teach him, and she’s right there in town. The pick: Caitlin Clark.
ATLANTA: In his first year of a four-year, $180 million contract, Kirk Cousins lost his job as Atlanta’s quarterback. The Falcons need someone who can combat such inflation. The pick: Federal Reserve chief Jerome Powell.
ARIZONA: The Cardinals need to start taking their work a little more seriously. How about a quarterback who has a vested interest in the outcome? The pick: Phil Mickelson.
CINCINNATI: It doesn’t matter how many points Joe Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase put up if the Bengals don’t find someone on defense who can clog things up and make sure nothing significant happens. The pick: Former House speaker John Boehner.
SEATTLE: Without DK Metcalf, a red-zone receiving threat is a high priority. Why not find somebody who began his career in Seattle? The pick: Kevin Durant.
TAMPA BAY: Things will be interesting by the Gulf Of Mexico if Baker Mayfield has another stellar season. A key will be keeping him away from those distracting endorsements. There’s one guy who’s always ready to help. The pick: Dr. Rick.
DENVER: Ever since John Elway got rid of Dupeytren’s Syndrome, which keeps its victims from straightening their fingers, the Broncos have started winning again. But they’ll need someone to teach Elway to brandish at least one of those straight fingers toward his antagonists. The pick: Rahm Emanuel.
PITTSBURGH: Another year like last year and Steelers fans will be waging war against everything in their path, including whoever plays quarterback. Someone who can handle pressure and chaos should be on call. The pick: Noah Wyle.
L.A. CHARGERS: After they cut loose Joey Bosa, they implicitly promised they would never draft the Wrong Brother again. The pick: Shilo Sanders.
GREEN BAY: With no real weaknesses, the Packers listen to the pleas of the local Green Bay basketball coach, who wants a hobby that will keep him out of the office. The pick: Doug Gottlieb.
MINNESOTA: The Vikings are always looking for young fans, so they consider drafting the person most responsible for the higher Twin Cities birth rate: The pick: Anthony Edwards.
HOUSTON: Weary of being pursued and sacked, C.J. Stroud needs to learn the best way to put edge rushers in a punch-heavy headlock. The pick: Nolan Ryan.
L.A. RAMS: They find someone who can help them sell out SoFi Stadium without letting in one single fan of another NFL team. The pick: George Strait.
BALTIMORE: Now that betting is not only legal but encouraged by the NFL, the Ravens dip into their coffers to cover the gambling debts of a famous Baltimore ne’er-do-well. The pick: Robert “Boogie” Sheftell.
DETROIT: After a glorious season that ended poorly, the Lions feel they need just one pair of fresh legs to get to a Super Bowl. The pick: Barry Sanders.
WASHINGTON: When Frankie Luvu kept trying to vault the line to break up Philadelphia’s “tush push” in the NFC Championship, he gave Washington’s personnel department a bright idea. The pick: Simone Biles.
BUFFALO: The city declares itself “the 51st state” so it can join the Canadian Football League and never play Kansas City again. The pick: Justin Trudeau.
KANSAS CITY: The Chiefs have had trouble finding receivers who can run away from legal problems, and they aren’t drafting high enough to solve that. So they might need outside help. The pick: Saul Goodman.
PHILADELPHIA: Three of the past four Eagles coaches have won Super Bowls, whether in Philadelphia or elsewhere.. It’s time to clean up this situation and put the Eagles’ crack personnel department to the ultimate test. The pick: Chip Kelly.
Great stuff. Love the picks. Olivia Munn is a 5-star call.
Outstanding!