It's time to cut out the cupcakes

College football wants to give us great matchups. Fine. Get rid of the mismatches.

In real life, an English bulldog needs a balanced diet to stay healthy, or as healthy as they ever get.

In football, Bulldogs make a living off Kibbles and Bits.

Georgia is going for a third consecutive national championship this season and has nearly pre-arranged it. It begins with UT Martin on Sept. 2, then plays Ball State on Sept. 9. Its third consecutive home game could be moderately challenging, against SEC contender South Carolina, but then there’s some well-earned R&R against Trent Dilfer’s UAB Blazers.

The Bulldogs play in four road stadiums: Auburn on Sept. 30, Vanderbilt on Oct. 14, Tennessee on Nov. 18 and Georgia Tech Nov. 25. Only the Tennessee game promises to be competitive. The rest of the schedule features three more games between the hedges against Kentucky, Missouri and Ole Miss, and the usual Breathalyzer Bowl in Jacksonville against Florida.

No Alabama, no LSU, no Texas A&M, no Mississippi State. The Bulldogs could have a Long COVID outbreak among their top 22 and still win nine games. As it is they should be in tip-top shape for their SEC championship date, and then comes the final 4-team College Football Playoff.

In basketball, St. Peter’s can beat Kentucky and Fairleigh Dickinson can beat Purdue. Football isn’t basketball and this isn’t 7-on-7. At places where competition is a 7-day-a-week mantra, nobody should schedule wins.

No one can quibble, or kibble, with the job Kirby Smart has done in building UGA’s favorite team into Cujo. Wave after wave of impossibly big, strong and quick players come out of their locker room, to the point that they won last year’s CFP title game against TCU during warmups. If any Bulldog wants to use the transfer portal, Smart can say, “There’s the door. Don’t let it hit you in the tail on the way out.” There are several players with NFL aspirations on the other side.

In no other sport can you do it this way. The Braves don’t get to play Rookie League teams. The Lakers don’t get to play Athletes In Action. In college basketball it’s beneficial to play a difficult schedule, primarily because any power-conference team which can retain its molecular structure can get into the tournament, and you get an approving nod from the selection committee if you play the best. In football there’s no disincentive to fighting below your weight.

And Georgia isn’t the only bully. Michigan leads off with home dates against East Carolina, UNLV and Bowling Green before it takes on the Big Ten. Any loss to anybody besides Penn State (on the road Nov. 11) and Ohio State (in Ann Arbor Nov. 25) would bring out the pitchforks.

But Ohio State and USC at least play Notre Dame. Alabama and Texas play each other this year. So do Florida State and LSU.

Alabama has always set the standard for dexterous scheduling. Before the Tide plays LSU, in what figures to be the de facto SEC West championship game on Nov. 4 in Tuscaloosa, it has an open date. That follows an Oct. 21 game at home with Tennessee. And on Nov. 18, ‘Bama has a palate-cleanser against Chattanooga before the Iron Bowl with Auburn. That 11th game has become Trick or Treat Saturday throughout the SEC. Other classic matchups on that day are Auburn-New Mexico State, Arkansas-Florida International, LSU-Georgia State, Ole Miss-Louisiana Monroe and Texas A&M-Abilene Christian. Hi kids! Want a Payday bar or a Snickers?

This brings us to Merger Madness, and what college football might resemble when the conferences have finished their line dance.

Texas and Oklahoma join the SEC next year. Will that mean better football, more meaningful games, more good-on-good matchups? How about the Big 10, whenever the Pac-12 refugees show up, or the Big 12 when it finishes blanketing four time zones?

Well, the situation will improve by itself in 2026. Michigan is already committed to play Oklahoma, Georgia will play UCLA, Alabama is lined up with Florida State, and Texas has a date with Ohio State.

But will the mismatches disappear with all the consolidation? Dubious. There’s no chance anyone will play more than nine conference games a year, regardless of how bloated the league is, so that leaves three opportunities for mealtime. And since the conference schedules will automatically be tougher, there will be more incentive to schedule “body-bag games,” in the words of the late, great Gene Murphy of Cal State Fullerton.

Even today, a conference brother can still be a stranger. Alabama has played Georgia five times since 2018, but four of those games were for the SEC title or for the College Football Playoff championship. The Bulldogs have played in Alabama’s stadium only once since 2007, The Crimson Tide has been to Athens only once since 2008.

Looking down the road, there will be four major leagues once the Pac-12 evaporates. The SEC will have 16 members, the Big 12 also 16. The Big 10 will be the Big 18, and the ACC, barring any changes, will have 14.

Such a reality could enable an NFL-style playoff system that would potentially thrill any network that still has the money. But to make it legitimate, each of those super leagues needs to schedule at least 12 conference games. After all, we’ve pretty much given up on the physical welfare of the players, right? We’re having them fly coast to coast and we’re paying them. Might as well make them play their peers every Saturday.

A 16-team playoff would not be a complicated thing. Just take the top four teams from each of the top four leagues. Let them figure out how to determine those four, whether it’s through a league championship game or whatever.

This would also require someone to summon enough spine to tell Notre Dame that if it wants to join the party, it has to become a full-fledged ACC football member. 

Since there never is enough football, such castaway leagues as the Mountain West and the American Athletic could figure out their own tournament. By then, the Pac-4 teams should have found partners of some sort. The Sun Belt and Conference USA teams could take advantage of this, too. A championship game between Coastal Carolina and Air Force would be a compelling hors d’oeuvre.

In any event, this crass new world will have its strong points. Yes, we’re possibly losing the Civil War in Oregon and the Apple Cup in Washington and Bedlam in Oklahoma. But we’re regaining the Holy War in Utah and the Texas-Texas A&M hatefest. From a purely epicurean standpoint, a Michigan-USC game in the Coliseum with something on the line will be succulent.

It’s the era of Getting Real. So play exhibition games on your own time.

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