Super Bowl Week: The official preview
There's much more to the game than the game itself, as we'll see in Phoenix.
There’s the Super Bowl game, and then there’s Super Bowl week. For many years, the latter was more entertaining. Think of Jim McMahon mooning a helicopter on the practice field, or Thomas “Hollywood” Henderson saying that Terry Bradshaw “couldn’t spell cat if you gave him the ‘c’ and the ‘a.’’’
Such spontaneity has been ironed out of the big game and all that surrounds it. Still, Super Sunday is the only sporting event that feels like a national holiday. A matchup like Philadelphia and Kansas City will launch a million nacho platters.
But the buildup comes first. Here’s what is likely to happen, or should happen, in Phoenix this week:
TUESDAY
As the NFL announces a new initiative for the unhoused in Phoenix, commissioner Roger Goodell promises to find a home for the Coyotes.
Philadelphia center Jason Kelce, at the daily media availability, is asked if he knows any of the Chiefs personally.
Arizona Sen. Kyrsten Sinema drops by Super Bowl headquarters, predicts a tie.
Powerful telescopes at Kitts Peak focus on a Chinese spy balloon, at 60,000 feet over the U.S., and find a tiny Patriots logo on the bottom.
The line: Eagles by 2.
WEDNESDAY
Philadelphia fans get together with celebrity chef Bobby Flay to discuss the various ways to prepare horse pucky.
Pressed into Super Bowl service, an erstwhile baseball reporter asks Andy Reid why Patrick Mahomes is allowed to face defenses on his third possession.
At the Waste Management Open in Scottsdale, Tony Romo hits an eight-iron on No. 16, is immediately second-guessed by Greg Olson.
With Juju Smith-Schuster, Clyde Edwards-Helaire and Marques Valdez-Scantling on the roster, Kansas City is fined $200,000 for exceeding the NFL’s hyphen cap.
The line: Eagles by 1 ½.
THURSDAY
Dallas quarterback Dak Prescott wins the Walter Payton NFL Man of the Year award, has the trophy intercepted by Derwin James.
Pete Carroll, Dan Quinn, Cam Newton, Jackie Smith and assorted Buffalo Bills hold a panel discussion on laying an egg in the Super Bowl, and if $7-a-dozen prices would have prevented that.
Although they’ve never been political, Peyton and Eli Manning organize a boycott against the only three American companies who haven’t hired them for commercials.
UCLA coach Chip Kelly, whom the Eagles hired in 2013 and fired four years later, says his 10-year plan has worked just like he intended.
The line; Eagles by 1.
FRIDAY
At his annual press conference, the commissioner has no comment on Colin Kaepernick’s refusal to stand for the Pro Bowl flag football game.
Reid is seen hustling out of that press conference shortly after Goodell discovers he has a new mustache.
Goodell also introduces a ban on all quarterbacks named “Wilson” through the 2029 season.
Tom Brady says he’ll come out of retirement to play for LIV Football, with five-minute quarters and seven games a year.
The line: Even.
SATURDAY
Followers of baseball migration ask the commissioner to make the Kansas City-Philadelphia loser move to Oakland.
The 2023 Hall of Fame class includes Jared Allen, Don Coryell, DeMarcus Ware, Torry Holt, Joe Thomas, Patrick Willis, Andre Johnson and Darren Woodson. After the ceremony, they beat the Bears, 34-10.
The Republican Party announces it has traded Herschel Walker to the Democrats for Dianne Feinstein, Ilhan Omar and first and second round picks from 2024 through 2026.
Phoenix ATMs suddenly run out of $5 bills, forcing strip clubs to close and the Eagles and Chiefs to make curfew.
The line: Eagles by 1 ½.
SUNDAY
The Chiefs win the toss, with Peyton Manning’s face on one side of the coin and brother Eli’s on the other, and choose Cooper Manning.
Kansas City suffers a big pregame loss when linebacker Nick Bolton trips over the beard of National Anthem singer Chris Stapleton.
Jalen Hurts re-injures his shoulder, notices Tua Tagovailoa warming up on the sideline, stays in the game for Philadelphia.
As the Eagles celebrate, Kari Lake takes over the video board and claims that she actually won.
Final: Eagles 34, Chiefs 27.
Good stuff.
Love it. Always more pomp than circumstance, the week will end with the game being played on Sunday.