Super Bowl week: What really happened

In a era of "news deserts," here's what fell between the cracks in Las Vegas

Kyle Shanahan

There’s a good chance you didn’t read one word of the big doings in Las Vegas this week, or see any of the footage. That’s why the Lord gave us Amazon Prime.

As the media gets painted into smaller corners by the forces around them, be assured that Super Bowl 58 Week was just as eventful as always.

Here’s a summary:

— Chargers coach Jim Harbaugh denies reports that he has electronically obtained the last 10 tax filings by Jake From State Farm.

— As Andy Reid signals that he’s challenging an official’s call, it reminds Taylor Swift of all the red flags she’s had in her relationships.

— Three Kansas City offensive linemen and the club’s strength coach finally wrestle Andy Reid away from the Caesars Palace buffet in time for practice.

— Kyle Shanahan’s petition to eliminate fourth quarters from Super Bowls and conference championship games is denied by the NFL’s Competition Committee.

— Bill Belichick appears at San Francisco’s practice, volunteers to wipe down the blocking sleds.

— Josh McDaniels, Arthur Smith and Brandon Staley conduct a seminar on “How You Don’t Have To Be Old To Suck At Coaching.”

— At his invitation-only press conference, commissioner Roger Goodell is asked why at least 200 million people will not be watching the Super Bowl. He responded by announcing the NFL’s plans to play a regular-season game in Abu Dhabi. Later, the reporter mysteriously falls out of a 25th-floor window.

— The man who invented the technology that translates Tony Romo’s streams of consciousness into closed-captioning is elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

— Usher goes through a rehearsal for his Super Bowl halftime show, during which several thousand fans will be invited onto the field. Bill Belichick volunteers to be an usher.

— On her way back from Tokyo, Taylor Swift pens the lyrics to her upcoming breakup song with Travis Kelce: “I’m Not Part Of Your Bunch Formation.”

— The Competition Committee decides not to outlaw Philadelphia’s “Brotherly Shove” but will force teams who use it on fourth down to also use it on the next first down.

— Religious groups picket the 49ers hotel until Brock Purdy emerges to explain that he’s not “Mr. Irreverent.”

— Interviewed at halftime, President Biden says Otis Taylor is “doing a great job, for God’s sake” for the Chiefs.

— NFL players go out into the Vegas community and help build the Antonio Brown Day Care center and the Larry King Wedding Chapel as they partner with local charities.

— As her plane begins to descend, Taylor Swift tries to write another song to signal the end of her relationship with Travis Kelce, but can’t quite get the meter right: “I’m Dropping You The Same Way Marquez Valdes-Scantling Would.”

— After he studies the way the San Francisco-Kansas City World Series came out in 2014, Kyle Shanahan signs Madison Bumgarner as his third quarterback.

— The oft-flagged Jawann Taylor, the Chiefs’ right tackle, is troubled by a rumor that the Super Bowl officials will put an emphasis on “ineffectual blocking” penalties.

— Tom Brady and Sam Bankman-Fried meet at the 50-yard-line for the Bitcoin toss.

— The Chiefs threaten to go back to the locker room unless the NFL gets rid of those suspicious-looking Dominion voting machines on the 49ers’ sideline.

— Bill Belichick touches up the end zone with his paintbrushes, says they’re ready.

— Republican House members bitterly cite “the Kaepernick influence” as Patrick Mahomes kneels down on the final play of the first half.

— Mahomes throws a 20-yard touchdown pass to Kelce, which, according to ESPN industry sources, leads to “speculation” about the future of Dallas coach Mike McCarthy.

— The final: San Francisco 28, Kansas City 19. Afterward, Bill Belichick appears with a large shovel and mumbles, “On To Confetti.”