The annual guide to Super Bowl week
The game outside the game, as the Eagles and Chiefs ramp up.
You know the stakes. The Chiefs can become the first team to win three consecutive Super Bowls. Eagles’ fans can become the first to celebrate a victory on Broad Street in the post-FBI era.
Tom Brady can become the first part-owner and former Super Bowl MVP to provide the TV analysis. And Detroit Lions fans can watch it all from the warmth of their living rooms for the LIXth consecutive year.
Again, here’s what to expect in New Orleans.
TUESDAY
— Jake From State Farm accompanies the Chiefs to New Orleans and spends his first day touring flood zones and canceling policies.
— Eagles receiver A.J. Brown promises never to read another book on the sideline until coach Nick Sirianni finishes his first.
— Eagles fans visit the French Quarter, want to know where they can meet this “Marty Grah” character they’ve heard about.
The line: Chiefs by 2.
WEDNESDAY
— After promising that he does not view his wife Isabella as just a homemaker, Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker misses practice with dishpan hands.
— Asked if he’s taken the Saints’ head coaching job yet, Eagles’ offensive coordinator and Prosser, Wa. native Kellen Moore says, “I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ ‘bout dat.”
— Chiefs bring in Mark Aguirre and Serena Williams to help prepare for the Eagles’ “Tush Push.”
The line: Chiefs by 2 ½.
THURSDAY
— A reporter asks Philadelphia safety Chauncey Gardner-Johnson if he “likes to watch.”
— Rich Kotite, Todd Haley, Gunther Cunningham, John Mackovic and Ray Rhodes are the featured speakers at an NFL-sponsored seminar called “Yes, The Chiefs And Eagles Used To Suck.”
– Josh Allen wins the league MVP award at the NFL Honors ceremony, but the telecast ends before Matt Eberflus can receive the Fourth Quarter Management award.
The line: Chiefs by 1 ½.
FRIDAY
— The Tennessee Titans make several salary-cap moves so they can afford to draft Ohio State players.
— Eagles’ general manager Howie Roseman recalls the decision to draft ace defensive lineman Jalen Carter: “I was there the day he drove 40 miles in 4.4 seconds at Georgia.”
— In the latest sponsorship deal, it’s officially the Preparation H Tush Push.
The line: Chiefs by 1.
SATURDAY
— Eli Manning is elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, but says he’s really looking forward to joining the Giants’ Ring Of Near-Competence.
— After he consults with suddenly-unemployed NOAA and NASA scientists, Commissioner Roger Goodell awards the 2046 Super Bowl to Antarctica, as a warm-weather site.
— For the 44th consecutive year, ten members of the 1981 Oakland Raiders miss curfew.
The line: Chiefs by 2.
SUNDAY
— In a poignant ceremony, the Bill Belichick Coaching Tree is officially cut down after a severe case of Dutch Elm disease.
— Saquon Barkley warms up for the game by jumping backwards over Kevin Hart, who is sitting on the shoulders of Kendrick Lamar.
— At midfield, the officials give the Chiefs the football to begin the first and second halves before Jalen Hurts reminds them to toss the coin first.
— Butker appears to miss the game-winning field goal for Kansas City but gets another chance when the Eagles are penalized for encroachment, hands to the face, feet to the face, excessive flatulence, and a pitch-clock violation.
The final: Eagles 34, Chiefs 31 in overtime.
The Preparation H Tush Push is prescient. It is a pain in the ass to watch, given what rules formerly forbade. Of course, it's also now illegal activity in 12 states.
Very, very niiiiiiiiice!