The Faux Horsemen: A mockery of an NFL draft
What would happen if everybody was eligible?
The Morning After presents its annual (well, second) NFL Mockery Draft. This is what happens when everybody on earth is on the board. No combines, no interviews, no 40 times. Besides, doesn’t the Draft need something like this? Hardly anyone pays attention as it is.
The Chicago Bears have proposed to build a new stadium in Arlington Heights and they’ve also announced plans to build a new domed stadium on the Soldier Field site. That’s a lot of building. The pick: Jimmy Carter.
The Washington Commanders….the name still doesn’t flow, and it has nothing to do with all those years of Redskins. Even the Washington Football Club seemed more natural. This club needs someone who’s comfortable with name flexibility. The pick: Snoop Dogg.
Replace Tom Brady? New England can’t even find somebody to imitate him. Maybe it’s time to try someone who’s already failed to fulfill a legacy. The pick: Robert Kennedy Jr.
Phoenix “celebrated” its first 100-degree day of the year on April 22. Yes, the Cardinals practice and play indoors, but what about all those other hours? They need someone with a cold, cold heart, and Hank Williams isn’t available. The pick: Heath Freeman, chairman of Alden Global Capital.
The L.A. Chargers, with Jim Harbaugh coaching, promise to help quarterback Justin Herbert with a philosophy of run, run, run. The pick: Sen. Josh Hawley of Missouri.
Brian Daboll didn’t exactly hide his disgust with the way the Giants played last season. They’re having trouble closing out games. Maybe they need a popular New Yorker who’s had something weird happen in the last two minutes. The pick: Billy Joel.
Tennessee could be awful this year and definitely needs better quarterback play. Why not take a chance on a guy who can throw a chair off the sixth floor of a rooftop bar in Nashville? The pick: Morgan Wallen.
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The Falcons were an expansion team in 1967 and never have won a Super Bowl. Maybe they should time-travel back to those days and take a winner. The pick: Sgt. Pepper.
The Bears get another shot. Even with Caleb Williams running the offense, they’ll need some deception and misdirection. The pick: George Santos.
Joe Namath doesn’t live here anymore, but the Jets keep reaching back to yesterday for a quarterback. First it was Brett Favre, now Aaron Rodgers. How many Wisconsin legends does it take? The pick: Henry Winkler.
The Vikings traded QB Kirk Cousins to Atlanta. He didn’t bring them any Super Bowls, but then they’ve never won one. It kinda goes with the territory. As one politician said, “MInnesota is a place where a young man and woman can grow up dreaming of being Vice President someday.” The pick (and the person who said it): Amy Klobuchar.
John Elway won two Super Bowls in Denver. Without him we would never know about Dupuyten’s Contracture. And the Broncos can’t seem to find another QB to perform at a Mile High level. The pick: Bill Walton.
In Las Vegas, the Raiders need to find a QB who has never lost and who is always surrounded by giant people to protect him. Seems obvious. The pick: Floyd Mayweather Jr.
New Orleans loves the Saints, but the citizens understandably worry about the next hurricane and flood. So they need somebody who can be surrounded by water and yet function as if it’s not there. The pick: Scottie Scheffler.
Since Indianapolis is now Caitlin Clark’s town, the Colts can experiment with all kinds of things while nobody is noticing. Obviously they could use a red zone weapon. The pick: Zach Edey.
Who’s going to provide the frenetic energy on the Seattle sideline now that Pete Carroll has been nudged upstairs? The pick: Michael Richards.
Jacksonville missed the playoffs last year. Perhaps it’s time to hire a former JAG who would ban their playbooks, since they’ve caused trauma for young Jaguar fans. The pick: Ron DeSantis.
The Bengals have a solid team and one of the best quarterbacks in the NFL, but they don’t often get recognized as such. Maybe a little Cincinnati glamour? The pick: Loni Anderson.
Future Hall of Famer Aaron Donald retired, which means the Rams will find out if anyone in the NFL is truly replaceable. They might do well to hire another original. The pick: Aaron Neville.
Pittsburgh has cornered the market on scorned QBs: Russell Wilson and Justin Fields. Those of a certain age have seen this Steeler movie before. The pick: Terry Hanratty.
Urban planners say that Miami will have to be completely reworked if climate patterns continue. Will the Dolphins be able to stay above the water line? The pick: Sultan Kosen, at 8-foot-2 the tallest person in the world.
Eagles fans took last year’s collapse in stride and are fully behind coach Nick Sirianni as he picks up the pieces. Besides, they say, there’s so many more important things in life than the outcome of a football game in Philadelphia. The pick: Kelly Clarkson, who sang “I Forgive You.”
Minnesota gets another pick and is looking for a reclamation project, maybe someone who seemed important many years ago but isn’t anymore. The pick: Garrison Keillor.
Are the Cowboys really 4-11 in playoff games over the past 25 years? Maybe if Texas was its own country, they could finally win a national championship. The pick: Gov. Greg Abbott.
Green Bay is the toilet paper capital of the world, which is significant to those who remember the spring of 2020. Business would be better if certain people who are full of it would return. The pick: Aaron Rodgers.
Now that Baker Mayfield has recouped his career in Tampa Bay, the Bucs might be looking for more lost souls. The pick: Sen. Bob Menendez.
Arizona gets another pick here. Even though it doesn’t need a quarterback, it can’t resist the image of the state’s most distinguishing characteristic. The pick: Spencer Rattler.
Buffalo has lost so many key players in the off-season that it needs an accomplished driver to take them to warmer ground. Having a friend who is associated with Buffalo would help. The pick: Al (A.C.) Cowlings.
The Lions are riding high these days. They got to the NFC Championship and Detroit is playing host to the draft. And they won as many games as the Pistons did. It’s time to keep up the pressure. The pick: Cade Cunningham.
Baltimore has a model franchise but has suffered playoff frustration. Can the Ravens develop the kind of loyalties that Colts fans once had? It’s worth going to the source. The pick: Steve Gutttenberg.
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San Francisco would be the undisputed monster of the NFL if it could quit running into the Chiefs. For the sake of the vibe, maybe the 49ers can find a way to bring in their own new fans. The pick: Beyonce.
Not even back-to-back Super Bowl wins, and TV ads featuring Patrick Mahomes, could convince Kansas City voters to approve a sales tax for Arrowhead Stadium renovations. Obviously the Hunt family can’t afford such a project. The pick: Tim Cadogan, CEO of GoFundMe.
The Alden CEO was the best dig.
Fun article!