The NFL Mockery Draft is a lot more fun

What if you made everybody, not just college football players, eligible to come out of the Green Room Thursday night?

To the Raiders

It’s time to change the NFL draft.

Not to rein it in and return it to Radio City Music Hall in front of green-shirted street people who boo Donovan McNabb, although it wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Not to keep teams from stripping their rosters and blatantly going for 0-17. It will happen anyway in this season of positioning for Caleb Williams and, besides, too many teams remember the canyon of difference between O.J. Simpson and Leroy Keyes.

No, it’s time to expand the field. All these months of prodding and poking the same 300 or so college players, talking to their sixth-grade teachers and their first girlfriends, demanding that they keep running as many 40-yard-dashes as their hamstrings can stand….it’s too much to ask of one small group.

Open it up. Be creative. Extend draft eligibility and require that the player meet one criteria: He (or she) has to be alive.

So let’s get on the clock:

CAROLINA: The Panthers traded into this spot so they could get another quarterback. But they really need a player with a busy motor. The pick: Dale Earnhardt Jr.

HOUSTON: In breaking in their new quarterback, the Texans might need some help deciphering the defenses. Anyone who can intercept their tendencies is welcome. The pick: Carlos Beltran.

ARIZONA: The Cardinals lose too many games and need someone to  convince their fan base that they actually won them. The pick: Kari Lake.

INDIANAPOLIS: A quarterback is needed here, along with someone who can come up with a Top Ten list of why the Colts lost on any given Sunday. Plus, someone who can manage a gap. The pick: David Letterman.

SEATTLE: The Seahawks are close to prominence again but they desperately need someone who can win in San Francisco. The pick: Nancy Pelosi.

DETROIT: The Lions need someone who was alive the last time they won a championship, which was in 1957, nine years before the Super Bowl. They also need someone who can create a world bizarre enough to see an actual Lions’ title. The pick: Ethan Coen.

LAS VEGAS: Anybody who’s been around Mark Davis knows the apple fell far, far from the tree. The Raiders’ owner has an affinity for offspring who can’t quite measure up to Dad. The pick: Hunter Biden.

ATLANTA: Until they win a Super Bowl the Falcons will be known as the team that blew a 25-point lead in one. Might as well embrace it. The pick: Jean Van De Velde.

CHICAGO: The Bears took on a huge, spiffy remodel of Soldier Field. Now they want to flip that house and build something new at Arlington Park. There’s only one person who can make it sensible: The pick: Joanna Gaines.

PHILADELPHIA: The Eagles might have won the Super Bowl if cornerback James Bradberry hadn’t committed defensive holding. So they need somebody who can let things slip through his hands in the fourth quarter. The pick: Russell Westbrook.

TENNESSEE: Face it, the Titans had their chance to win a Super Bowl and came up a yard short. They should find someone who can handle excruciating defeat with an accepting smile and won’t question the result. The pick: Al Gore.

HOUSTON: A team that needs everything could really use someone who can perform in space. The pick: Buzz Aldrin.

GREEN BAY: Without Aaron Rodgers, it’s likely to be a cold, boring winter. The Packers sorely need someone who can provide daily drama. The pick: Martin Scorsese.

To the Patriots

NEW ENGLAND: All of a sudden the Patriots are full of insoluble questions. Fortunately, there is always someone at the nearby Cheers bar who not only knows your name, but has all the answers. The pick: John Ratzenberger.

N.Y. JETS: They have gone to one and only one Super Bowl, although they certainly got that one right. Who was alive in 1968 who can also morph into the superhuman talent that can win for the Jets? The pick: Hugh Jackman.

WASHINGTON: Nobody really likes the Commanders nickname, but the club should remind people they could have picked something more offensive, like Senators. The pick: Mitch McConnell.

PITTSBURGH: The Steelers are still owned by the Rooneys, America’s most beloved executive family. It’s time to hire someone who honors what the Steelers and Giants have stood for all these years. The pick: Rooney Mara.

DETROIT: It takes a vivid imagination, even for a Detroiter, to picture the Lions winning the NFC Central even with Rodgers gone. The pick: Stevie Wonder.

TAMPA BAY: Tom Brady has retired, but then Law & Order wasn’t supposed to survive the departure of Michael Moriarty and it did OK. The pick: Sam Waterston.

SEATTLE: To help Geno Smith, Seattle needs someone who can get downhill. The pick: Mikaela Shiffrin.

L.A. CHARGERS: This team is booed on the road and has to listen to fans cheer the opposition at home. Who can still perform amid this near-unanimous disapproval? The pick: Chad Kroeger, lead singer of Nickelback.

BALTIMORE: With Lamar Jackson in a tenuous situation, the Ravens need a proven leader at quarterback who shares the vision of coach John Harbaugh. The pick: Jim Harbaugh.

MINNESOTA: Kirk Cousins can get you to the faraway frontier but can’t break through, it seems. Time to find another Kirk to take the next quantum leap. The pick: William Shatner.

JACKSONVILLE: Jaguars fans chant “Duuuu-valll” in honor of Duval County. This would also be a good way to honor perhaps America’s greatest living actor. The pick: Robert Duvall.

N.Y. GIANTS: How about picking a name that summons the memory of two Super Bowl wins, and also a player who can procure secret documents from other teams? The pick: Chelsea Manning.

DALLAS: Not just anybody can fill a huge stadium with messages about the emotions that have consumed Cowboys fans for more than a generation: Heartbreak, angst and frustration. The pick: Taylor Swift.

To the Cowboys

BUFFALO: If Josh Allen is going to hurdle people, he needs someone to teach him how to do it for the long term. The pick: Edwin Moses.

CINCINNATI: The Bengals have everything it takes to win a Super Bowl but it’s like people really don’t believe it. They need someone driven and dedicated to get the word out. The pick: Les Nessman (played by Richard Sanders on WKRP in Cincinnati).

NEW ORLEANS: There’s a guy right there at Tulane who knows what it takes for an underdog to beat the high-salaried teams. He proved it at the Cotton Bowl on Jan. 2. The pick: Willie Fritz.

PHILADELPHIA: The Eagles could use a defender who always wears the same uniform and is expert at covering up improprieties. The pick: Jim Jordan.

KANSAS CITY: Patrick Mahomes is unfair. So the NFL should swoop in and make the Chiefs take the one person who hasn’t won with him. The pick: Kliff Kingsbury.